greatamazingfeelingsboy

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alex stern

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Jan 28th?

Caleb sprawls on Alex's couch, exhausted and sore and slightly frustrated. He'd gone to the gym with some of the guys from the team, and it'd proved... trying. Clint kept looking at him, which in and of itself isn't a problem. The problem was that he kept getting slightly aroused, at random times, while looking at Caleb. Which meant Caleb worked out harder, which meant Clint stared more, which meant that Clint got aroused more, and by the end of the two hours, he was so fucking tired and sore from trying to work out the feelings he kept getting.

He'd already showered at his place, but he'd promised Alex he'd swing over after the gym, since his place isn't warded against Grays. He likes hanging out with her, and he likes that there aren't any butterflies between them. It's nice to just... have a friend.

Which he realizes isn't fair to Rosie, who's easily one of his closest friends here. But she's so busy with her boyfriend and school that sometimes he doesn't get to just hang out with her. Last week doesn't entirely count, because he'd been a mess.

"Kill me," he mumbles into the couch cushion his face is pressed against.

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"Fuck," he breathes. "Was... Fuck, no, I won't, um. What happened?"

He wants to ask if Hellie was in control, or if Alex was. Or if it was like a nightmare and she wasn't aware of anything once Hellie got in. But he doesn't feel like that's a question he can ask.

He gently squeezes her hand.

"Hellie played baseball," says Alex, quietly, still ask but clinging to his hand. "She used her bat."

"She used—" Fuck. He frowns. "She used you to kill people?"

A laugh hiccups out of Alex at that and she shakes her head.

"She actually played baseball," she says. "And...Len had a bat to make him feel like a tough guy." Another tear rolls down her cheek. "I loved her so much, Caleb. How was I supposed to keep her out?"

"I know," he whispers. "That doesn't make it your fault."

He feels the situation is like a reflection of his own. His empathy had fed on the anger of Dr. Bright, Mark, Sam, Frank, and Chloe. It had fed on Adam's fear. It had taken those feelings, each their own separate red entities, and rolled them into Caleb's own rage. The result had been a massive beast inside of him that had propelled him forward, swung his fists for him, kept him too strong for anyone to pull him off.

And then, just as quickly, it'd been gone, and he'd been left with the consequences of actions he wasn't entirely responsible for.

"I didn't even try to keep her out," she says. "She...We killed Len and Betcha first. With the bat. She...I don't know what Ariel did to her before I got there but...she beat him so badly she broke the bat on his spine." She swallows back panic, her brain starting to rabbit around in the inside of her skull. It just makes her cling to Caleb's hand even tighter. "She staked the other two. I don't...I don't remember it that clearly? I...remember all the blood. And brains."

Caleb lifts his free hand to gently grip the back of her neck, thumb rubbing slightly. Her panic is rising like bile in his throat, and trying to swallow it down makes it feel thicker. But he can imagine the things she'd seen — probably not as clearly or vividly as she can, but he can — and it makes his stomach twist.

"Fuck, Alex," he murmurs. "That wasn't you, though."

"I let her. I wanted her too," she says, leaning into the touch on the back of her neck. "And I was glad when she did. And then I lied about it and kept on lying about it.

He listens to that and nods, but he doesn't think it's all as simple as she's making it seem. Letting in someone you love, wanting to let them in — literally or figuratively — is a natural thing, he thinks. If he could pull Adam into him and keep him safe and close, where he can always feel him and know him? Fuck, he thinks he'd do that in a heartbeat. And Alex loved — loves — Hellie so much, he doesn't blame her for doing it, either.

The fact that Hellie took advantage of that... Even if Alex wanted her to kill Len and Betcha, Hellie shouldn't have used Alex's body to do it. She shouldn't have done that to Alex.

Caleb is suddenly, viscerally, glad that Hellie isn't here. He doesn't think he'd like her very much.

He pulls Alex closer and presses a kiss to the side of her head. He doesn't know how to articulate any of this to Alex, not yet, so he doesn't.

She lets him move her, pull her closer but, this time, there's not that flicker of anything in the pit of her belly because, right then, she just desperately needs the comfort. The fact that he only holds on tighter to her after everything she's said feels like the most important thing in the world right then.

"Darlington put it together," she says. "Back home. He figured it out."

"He didn't take it well?" he gently prompts.

"He..." He breath hiccups out of her and she has to take a minute, leaning in against him, all but burrowed into the hollow under his chin. "He didn't get a chance to react. He...there was a portal. He got sucked in. But I could...I could almost hear him thinking it."

"Was... was that the last time you saw him?" he asks. "Before he got here? Or, you did, I'm not sure which..." He shakes his head, because that's not important. What's important is how terrible a way to leave things that is.

"It was the last time I saw him," she says, nodding. "It was...a month or so before I turned up here. A couple of weeks before he left for him." She sniffs, her eyes stinging. "Caleb, he...he doesn't know."

He'd heard that Darrow could be weird, about how it took people from the same place, but from different times. But hearing that Darlington doesn't know about one of the biggest things Alex could possibly tell him is... That just seems cruel.

But then he thinks of how he'd found out, how he'd put the pieces together.

"But, wait," he says. "This means you decide how he finds out. You get to tell him, the same way you told me."

"I don't want to tell him," she says, sick panic knifing through her at the thought. "I don't want him to look at me like that again. He already thinks I'm a whore. I don't want him to look at me and thing 'murderer' too."

"He doesn't think you're a whore," Caleb says. "... Anymore, anyway." He swallows through her panic and tightens his grip on her hand. "But you have to tell him. It, it doesn't have to be right away, but Alex. You can't let that sit between you guys. It'll never be right if there are secrets."

That's why he'd told Adam about his ability first, before telling him about his feelings. Sure, it had backfired, but only for, like, a day. They'd figured it out. And he knows Alex and Darlington could figure it out, too.

"I can be there, if you want," he offers. "Whenever you decide to tell him, I can be there, to make sure he understands."

"I appreciate that, Caleb, but I kind of need to hear it from him, don't you think?" She closes her eyes. There are so many secrets between her and Darlington now, it's difficult to know where to start. She does smile at his offer, though. "Like a human lie detector?"

He smiles small and shrugs. "Yeah, sorta," he says. "But, I meant more like a mediator, sorta. Keep you guys on track if your feelings start to get the better of you. Either of you."

"We're assuming he's going to want to speak to me again," says Alex. She tries to stay calm, but she knows he'll be able to feel it - the bone deep horror at the thought of Darlington knowing the whole truth.

"It might not be that bad," he says. "But the longer you wait to tell him..." He doesn't want to tell Alex how to live her life. But if Darlington figured it out once before, he'll probably figure it out again. Then he'll want to know why Alex never told him, and then it'll be a matter of trust, and... Caleb just doesn't want her going through that.

Alex isn't convinced, and she knows that Caleb will know that, but she nods, all the same. Because he's right, and she knows it. She leans in against him, squeezing his hand.

"Not sure I deserve you."

He rests his temple on the crown of her head, gently squeezing back. "I'm here," he says simply, then grins. "So... I dunno, deal with it, I guess."

Alex laughs at that, a little hiccup of sound, and she nods, not hard enough to dislodge his cheek from her hair.

"Guess so," she says.

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