greatamazingfeelingsboy

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early Jan

Being in a feminine body is... different, but not bad. Now that he's been assured that, yes, this is a thing Darrow does, and, yes, he's going to change back, Caleb's taken the time to sort of... get used to the idea. He's still pretty tall, though not over six feet anymore. Rosie had helped him get his hair into a ponytail so it's not in his face, and then she'd blessedly helped him buy clothes so he didn't feel totally weird.

He doesn't really want to talk about the bra experience.

But it's Saturday, so now he has to face Michael. He hadn't been anticipating that. He'd ended up trying to call him, but, of course, it went to voicemail. He was the worst. So, dressed in his new, much better fitting clothes, Caleb makes his way to the shop.

Tim greets him like always, with a smile and a "Hey, Kid," and doesn't seem to think there's anything weird about Caleb being girl-shaped. That's... kinda weird.

"Hey," he greets, still a little thrown off by the sound of his new voice. Then he makes his way back to the car he and Michael have been working on.

He braces himself for Michael's feelings, squares his shoulders, and calls out another "Hey," loud enough for Michael to hear him.

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"No, I don't— I don't want to hurt you."

His voice is tight and shaking, but he slowly pulls his fingers from his hair to wipe his face instead. Then he covers his mouth and nose with his hands, and he breathes on the four-count, holds for four more, then releases on a four-count, the way he's been taught. He shakes his head, trying to pull his ability back in from Michael.

"I don't want to hurt you," he repeats, muffled into his hand.

Michael's pretty sure that Caleb won't hurt him, so he keeps approaching, sitting on the tire beside him and resting a hand on Caleb's back, rubbing in circles as he gives him a worried look. He knows that if the worry hadn't been helping before, it's definitely not going to work now, but it's just who he is.

"I feel like I'm the one hurting you," he says, a little confused and definitely not sure of his next step here.

It feels like forever, but slowly, Caleb feels the orange again, and he closes his eyes and sinks into it. Michael's hand on his back feels good, too. His immediate anger has faded, and now it's just that same, simmering red it usually is, making way for confusion and worry he's feeling now.

It still hurts. Caleb still feels too big for his body. But it's easier to feel than the anger had been. That had felt like... melting. Almost as bad as the safe house.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles when he feels like he can speak.

Michael's still feeling kind of awkward and unsure, because what the hell is he doing, trying to comfort someone when it's his own angry outburst that had upset Caleb in the first place, right on the heels of his worry.

"Look, if me being worried for you is a thing, then we might need to figure something out," he admits. "Cuz I don't think that I can stop it." Caleb's one of his people, that means he's definitely going to be concerned when it seems like he's having a rough go.

"No, it's..." He trails off, looking over at Michael finally. His eyes are wet, slightly red-ringed, but he isn't crying. Anymore.

"It doesn't usually bother me. It's... kinda nice, actually, normally. But... I think when I woke up in this body, it... didn't take my ability with it? It feels too big, and when you're — anyone, really — worried for me, it's this, like, targeted feeling? So, it feels like someone's poking at a really sore bruise, and normally, it feels like. Well, like this." He gestures to Michael's hand on his back, a gentle, warm weight. "I'm sorry. I should've tried to be, like, clearer, it's just. It's hard right now."

Michael feels like he understands that.

When he'd been little, his powers had always felt too big for him, but he'd learned to control them and funnel them through something that he could do. He keeps rubbing Caleb's back, reaching over to fix a few strands of messy hair.

"You wanna run through it like the mood ring?" he suggests. "Maybe bleed some of it off?"

He takes a breath as he thinks about it. The fingers of his free hand twist and roll the mood ring on his thumb. It's way too big for his pinkie finger right now, and pretty close to too big for this thumb, but it stays in place.

He imagines the fishing line of his ability reaching back out for Michael, but all he feels is the comfortable orange, now. Their feelings are lining up again, and it's making Caleb feel a little less full. He closes his eyes, shoulders sagging in relief.

"I, I think I'm okay," he says. "I think it's okay, now."

Michael's feeling better too, because he's not sure what he would have done if Caleb had announced that he couldn't stand to be there with him, if the worry had been too much. He tucks a last strand of hair back, pushing to his foot with his heel dug in, offering a hand out to him.

"In that case, come on, let's go pick out what rims you want," he says. "I lined up some really cool ones."

Caleb nods, managing a wan smile. "Yeah, okay," he says. He grabs Michael's hand, using the leverage provided to stand, then uses his sleeve to wipe his face.

It feels... better. He still feels too big for his skin, but Michael isn't upset anymore, and neither is he, and it's just... easier, this way.

Once he's off the tire, he tilts it back up on the tread to park it next to the car, then turns to let Michael show him the rim selection.

Michael is grateful that this didn't completely go disastrous, because he's not sure he could have managed if Caleb told him that they couldn't do this anymore, all because of his concern. He still feels like they should be working on controlling it more, but they can do that later.

"All right, I lined up a bunch in the catalogue," he says, bringing over the tablet. "Go through 'em, tell me which ones you like."

Caleb looks through them, scrolling through the options that Michael thought he'd like the most. He ends up inadvertently choosing the one Michael likes the most. It looks cool, and makes a neat design when it spins, according to the demonstration gif on the site.

"This one," he says, but then snaps his head up towards the front of the shop, frowning.

"Uh. Someone's pissed."

Out in the shop, Tim has his hands up in a calming gesture, as a short-haired woman jerks her thumb over her shoulder towards her car, then stabs her finger at Tim's chest. He can't hear what they're saying, but all of her annoyance — not quite anger, but pretty close — is directed at Tim, who is mostly confused and concerned.

Michael wipes his hands on a rag, glancing over. "Yeah, I got this," he promises, and heads over to the front, all swagger and charm. He hasn't got Isobel's powers, but what he does have is just the right level of flirtation that he can perch on the edge of the desk and charm her a little.

Usually that's Alex's job, but Michael can manage sometimes.

He nods for Tim to get out while he can, absorbing her complaints, while he peppers compliments about her youth and her patience and god knows what else she wants to hear, but he offers it all. "How about I take your car for a wash, then get it back to you as soon as we get the part in?"

She's blushing, just a little, as Michael charms her. Tim's gone on break, and based on the worried shape of his feelings, he's talking to his wife. It's easier for Caleb to focus on him than on the artificial textures of Michael's flirting, the ill-fitting puzzle pieces of his lying, or the slightly slimy fluttering of the woman's butterflies. He frowns, sort of shuddering, but finally, the woman agrees, and finally, finally, she leaves.

Caleb has a little bit of a wrinkle in his nose by the time Michael comes back.

"That was gross."

Michael snorts as he returns. "That was basically my life in Roswell," he quips, because he had a good thing going in terms of casual sex before Alex came back to Roswell. "I know how to handle a housewife," he says, and yeah, okay, it's gross.

He gets how gross it is, but whatever, those ten years were hard times, sometimes.

"She's happy, isn't she? And you'd know."

"Well, sure, she left satisfied, but." He frowns, tilting his head just a little, like it'll help him understand Michael's emotions better. "You didn't even like doing that. Why'd you do it if you don't like doing it?"

"Because now she's not yelling at Tim or me," he says, and if it were Roswell, then he'd also have set things up for him to take advantage of later, if he got really drunk and desperate.

The first part definitely applies.

"Look, she didn't know I was being insincere," he points out. "Makes things easier for us, so why the hell wouldn't I?"

"I mean... I guess," he says, though he doesn't sound certain. Michael's logic is fairly sound, if he thinks about it. He flirted, he charmed, he calmed her down, and she left, no longer in a terrible mood. But it was all a lie, and that's where Caleb's having a hard time. Being an empath has changed his opinions a lot on honesty and lying, and this is proving to be one of those times that he has to reconcile his ability with the basic societal need to keep people happy.

He shakes his head and huffs out a laugh. "Fuck, I dunno, Dude. Don't mind me."

Michael squints at him, wondering why it's bothering him so much. "You know I'd never act on it, right?" He gives him a look that says he can even look into him with the emotional mood ring thing if he wants. "I've got Alex now, I'm happy, it's all just to keep them calm."

And honestly, if Alex were there, he'd be the one doing that.

"Does it upset you?"

"Oh, no, no," he assures. "I know you wouldn't, I mean. I could feel that. It was all, like... Styrofoam, kinda? Like, squeaky and hollow, and a funny kind of texture. I know you're not gonna act on it. But... also, like. Her feelings were really gross, too? Kind of slimy, and..." He makes a face and shudders again. "She was super into you, especially after you started flirting, but. I don't know, I just didn't like her feelings."

He doesn't entirely answer if it upsets him. It does, but it's hard to explain why, but he knows he will, if Michael asks him to.

"Fake," he interprets, because that's pretty much what it was. He's not surprised that her feelings kind of upset Caleb, because if he thinks about it, sure he gets a little upset himself, but it's nothing he can't handle, as far as he's concerned.

"You definitely never have to do that while you're here," he guarantees. "It's just easier, and nothing ever comes of it. I mean, except maybe a jealous dude or two lingering outside of this place, but that happens," he says dismissively.

"I didn't think I'd have to," he answers. "I also don't think I'd be able to, even if I tried. Like, people lying is really hard to listen to when I know they're lying." He picks the tablet back up, just to have something to do with his hands. "I'm not sure my ability would... I dunno, let me? Does that make sense?"

"What, so..." He squints at him, trying to figure out if he's hearing this right. "You're like some real life Pinocchio? If you lied, you'd get all upset and uncomfortable," he interprets with a laugh. "And then people would just...know?"

Caleb laughs a little at that mental image, and suddenly, talking to Michael is easy again.

"No, I mean. I can do the dumb, little lies. Like, saying I'm okay, when I'm not, or something. But doing what you did out there, those were big lies, with, like, really tenuous root systems in little truths. Ugh, does this make sense? Like, you probably could've been into her, if you weren't with Alex. But I don't think you totally liked her personality, and that would've made it really superficial? So, a little truth. But the things you were saying, I mean, I couldn't hear them, but they were mostly lies. You didn't mean them. Those are the ones I don't think I could do."

Adam's always said that Caleb's a terrible liar, too, and maybe that's because of his ability, or maybe that's just the way he is.

"Her? Doubtful," he scoffs. "And into her? Okay, this is definitely getting complicated," he admits, because it's not like he's saying it couldn't happen, it just wouldn't be romantic. "I guess yeah, if Alex weren't here, I'd keep a woman like that around, in case I got desperate, you know?"

"And yeah, I didn't mean 'em, but I wanted her to stop yelling, so the intention was there and clear."

"I mean, I get that, I guess," he admits. He shrugs a little, then hands the tablet over to Michael so they can resume the choosing of wheel rims.

It's still weird to think about. Caleb had liked Caitlin, back when they were kids, and he's happy that they were going to be friends, if he hadn't been brought to Darrow. But he can tell he'd never want to be with her like that, especially after the Sadie Hawkins dance. Caleb's not sure what Michael means by 'got desperate,' and he isn't sure he wants to ask, but he does wonder how Michael can be comfortable enough to sleep with someone he admits he wouldn't even really like.

But he's not brave enough to ask. Not right now, when things are finally getting easy. So, instead, he points at the rims he'd picked out and ask Michael what he thinks.