greatamazingfeelingsboy

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alex stern

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Jan 28th?

Caleb sprawls on Alex's couch, exhausted and sore and slightly frustrated. He'd gone to the gym with some of the guys from the team, and it'd proved... trying. Clint kept looking at him, which in and of itself isn't a problem. The problem was that he kept getting slightly aroused, at random times, while looking at Caleb. Which meant Caleb worked out harder, which meant Clint stared more, which meant that Clint got aroused more, and by the end of the two hours, he was so fucking tired and sore from trying to work out the feelings he kept getting.

He'd already showered at his place, but he'd promised Alex he'd swing over after the gym, since his place isn't warded against Grays. He likes hanging out with her, and he likes that there aren't any butterflies between them. It's nice to just... have a friend.

Which he realizes isn't fair to Rosie, who's easily one of his closest friends here. But she's so busy with her boyfriend and school that sometimes he doesn't get to just hang out with her. Last week doesn't entirely count, because he'd been a mess.

"Kill me," he mumbles into the couch cushion his face is pressed against.

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"Believe me," she says. "You would not want to be sitting on a couch with me eating popcorn if you know the whole of it."

Caleb bites his lip, watching her for a long, quiet moment. Then he draws his left hand between them, shows her the small scar across his knuckles.

"The day I got here, I had just finished beating a guy so hard, I broke his ribs and his jaw, and punctured his lung, and... fuck knows what else. I beat him so hard I broke my hand. I don't know if he's alive, or... or if I'm a murderer. Because he'd tried to take Adam, to use him as leverage to get what he wanted. Whatever the fuck that was." He swallows, then shrugs, dropping his hands to his knees. "I'm not trying to measure dicks, I'm just... we've all got baggage."

"My dick is totally bigger than yours." He lets his hand drop and, a moment later, Alex reaches out and takes his hand, running the pad of her thumb across the scar.

"I don't know where to start," she admits.

"You don't... have to at all, if you don't want," he assures. "Alex, I'm not gonna judge you." He means that, and he hopes she can see that in his face. Whatever she's done, whoever she was, Caleb knows who she is. She's not a bad person.

She can still remember the look on Darlington's face when he'd put it all together, the realisation and the way that she'd frozen, in the end, when there might have been something, anything she could have done. Guilt seethes in the pit of her belly, even though he's safe and whole here.

"I...You might be a murderer," she says, still holding his hand. "But I definitely am."

It feels like the truth, so Caleb grips her hand a little tighter, watching her face. He thinks about Rowan, about helping him with that body. He thinks about Alex Manes, shooting those scientists who'd hovered over Michael with knives and cameras.

"What happened?" he asks quietly, gently, like she's going to spook if he speaks too loudly.

"My friend Hellie died," she says, quietly, grateful for the way he squeezes her hand. She's never told anyone this story before, so it takes her a little while before she knows what comes next. "She overdosed on Fentynyl. I was trying to keep her safe, but I wasn't even there, and...she was solid. She was so real. That I didn't even know she was dead until afterwards. I just curled up next to her and slept and then, in the morning, when I realised it was a gray not Hellie, not...alive, anyway, they just...they were just going to throw her away, Caleb. Like trash. Just discard her." A tear rolls down Alex's cheek. "She was perfect, and they were just going to throw her in the trash."

She's mentioned Hellie before, and the grief is no less intense this time than it was then. He frowns as he listens, gently tightening the grip on her hand. He doesn't know what Fentanyl is, but obviously it's some kind of drug. There's a sort of outrage that rises up in Alex as she speaks, and he feels it pressing against the insides of his ribs, like it'll burst out of him and rip him open with it. He isn't sure what to say, here, so he says nothing, just nods a little, like he understands what she's saying. He does, a little. Losing your friend and then having someone — the cops, maybe? — come take her body away for the city to deal with... That had to have been terrifying and infuriating.

"Those assholes," she says quietly. "Len and Betcha. They were just going to dump her outside a hospital. But she was already dead."

Those are new names, but Caleb nods again, now just gently prompting her to continue. Her feelings about Len, at least, are complicated, so he decides to stop focusing on them and instead listen to her words.

"I didn't want them to take her." She swipes at her face with the fingers of her free hand, not trying to take the other back from him because, if she's going to get trough this whole story, she's going to need to be held. "And I could...hear her. Usually, they can't make them heard. But I could hear her. Asking me to...let her in."

"Let her... Can you do that?" he asks, voice going hushed. Can people get possessed by ghosts?

"I didn't know I could," she says. "Hellie was the first."

"Fuck," he breathes. "Was... Fuck, no, I won't, um. What happened?"

He wants to ask if Hellie was in control, or if Alex was. Or if it was like a nightmare and she wasn't aware of anything once Hellie got in. But he doesn't feel like that's a question he can ask.

He gently squeezes her hand.

"Hellie played baseball," says Alex, quietly, still ask but clinging to his hand. "She used her bat."

"She used—" Fuck. He frowns. "She used you to kill people?"

A laugh hiccups out of Alex at that and she shakes her head.

"She actually played baseball," she says. "And...Len had a bat to make him feel like a tough guy." Another tear rolls down her cheek. "I loved her so much, Caleb. How was I supposed to keep her out?"

"I know," he whispers. "That doesn't make it your fault."

He feels the situation is like a reflection of his own. His empathy had fed on the anger of Dr. Bright, Mark, Sam, Frank, and Chloe. It had fed on Adam's fear. It had taken those feelings, each their own separate red entities, and rolled them into Caleb's own rage. The result had been a massive beast inside of him that had propelled him forward, swung his fists for him, kept him too strong for anyone to pull him off.

And then, just as quickly, it'd been gone, and he'd been left with the consequences of actions he wasn't entirely responsible for.

"I didn't even try to keep her out," she says. "She...We killed Len and Betcha first. With the bat. She...I don't know what Ariel did to her before I got there but...she beat him so badly she broke the bat on his spine." She swallows back panic, her brain starting to rabbit around in the inside of her skull. It just makes her cling to Caleb's hand even tighter. "She staked the other two. I don't...I don't remember it that clearly? I...remember all the blood. And brains."

Caleb lifts his free hand to gently grip the back of her neck, thumb rubbing slightly. Her panic is rising like bile in his throat, and trying to swallow it down makes it feel thicker. But he can imagine the things she'd seen — probably not as clearly or vividly as she can, but he can — and it makes his stomach twist.

"Fuck, Alex," he murmurs. "That wasn't you, though."

"I let her. I wanted her too," she says, leaning into the touch on the back of her neck. "And I was glad when she did. And then I lied about it and kept on lying about it.

He listens to that and nods, but he doesn't think it's all as simple as she's making it seem. Letting in someone you love, wanting to let them in — literally or figuratively — is a natural thing, he thinks. If he could pull Adam into him and keep him safe and close, where he can always feel him and know him? Fuck, he thinks he'd do that in a heartbeat. And Alex loved — loves — Hellie so much, he doesn't blame her for doing it, either.

The fact that Hellie took advantage of that... Even if Alex wanted her to kill Len and Betcha, Hellie shouldn't have used Alex's body to do it. She shouldn't have done that to Alex.

Caleb is suddenly, viscerally, glad that Hellie isn't here. He doesn't think he'd like her very much.

He pulls Alex closer and presses a kiss to the side of her head. He doesn't know how to articulate any of this to Alex, not yet, so he doesn't.

She lets him move her, pull her closer but, this time, there's not that flicker of anything in the pit of her belly because, right then, she just desperately needs the comfort. The fact that he only holds on tighter to her after everything she's said feels like the most important thing in the world right then.

"Darlington put it together," she says. "Back home. He figured it out."

"He didn't take it well?" he gently prompts.

"He..." He breath hiccups out of her and she has to take a minute, leaning in against him, all but burrowed into the hollow under his chin. "He didn't get a chance to react. He...there was a portal. He got sucked in. But I could...I could almost hear him thinking it."